For the first time in many years, I am ringing in the New Year alone … trying to get over this flu, listening to music, or should I say BLASTING music, cleaning the house (as I am so tired of sitting and lying around from being sick). Also, I’m dressed glamorously for the occasion, sweat pants, hair up in a chongo, no makeup, even have a scarf tied around my neck because I’m still feeling sick. One look at this picture and one would think ‘oh pobrecita, solita, what a way to celebrate’. But this is SO not the case!
I’ve always said that my godchildren (nieces and nephews) are my children … and you always want to be able to pass something positive to them — last week, I get a text message from one of my nieces who HAD to tell me, ‘I did something that you would do Nina! I went into a restaurant by myself!’ Something that I’ve done for years…I always tell them to get rid of the fear of being alone with yourself, that you can do anything, and while you may WANT someone there, you do not NEED someone there. She also texted me, ‘and I got sooo much done!’ I’ve read many a book, paid many a bill, worked out many a work project, wrote many entries in my journal and more while sitting in a Denny’s with someone waiting on me and no one to babysit 🙂
We put so much worth to FEAR and it can make us do some crazy and stupid things — believe me, I have a huge list of tonterias that I have done in the name of fear when I was afraid of being left by some guy, afraid of standing up for myself, afraid of losing ground in my career, afraid of being caught, afraid of getting yelled at, afraid of disapproval, etc. A big part of the fear has been of trusting myself and my instincts about a certain person or situation. Y eso que I’ve always had really strong intuition! These fears would then manifest themselves as migraines, diarrhea, stress, etc. all because I was even too afraid to even think about my fears or my strengths, much less face them.
2010 really taught me that while God drives the car, that I have a lot to do with how my life turns out, my reactions will either drown me or save me. The biggest thing was learning to face myself and my situation — which still is not the greatest but it is what it is. I have really tried to take the desperation and fear out of a lot of my personal situations — not finding another job, how am I going to pay my tuition, how can I spend more time with parents, etc. This is one of the greatest benefits of taking the time to be alone — that you can pray, meditate, think about, and make changes in your life. I find that I’m much calmer about those kinds of things these days and, if I fall off my wagon, I can usually get back there within minutes.
While I am able to live the ultimate luxury: doing what I want, when I want, where I want, how I want and with whom I want; it’s also very important to think about the ‘why’ I want this or that. And, at the end of the day, I’m the one who will benefit or suffer for the decisions that I make. I also think that it’s actually easier to be around me now since I don’t feel so driven like I did before, with no time for anything or anyone except for my mighty career (which no longer exists). I want to be the fun-loving person that I was before the career stress and people pleasing got the best of me 🙂
So 2011 is a continuation of my ‘starting over from zero’ phase: working my plan, being a fun person to be around, thinking thru my decisions sin miedo with 2 big challenges: STAYING out of my own way when making important decisions and applying this new courage to getting rid of these lonjas and losing some of this weight que ya me tiene harta! I’m ready.
Hope 2011 brings you want you want and, more important, what you need.