Momentum – that feeling that you get when you can feel the stars lining up, when things are going your way, when people return your phone calls, when you get your S#&% handled, that little buzz you get when you know it’s your turn and your time. I’ve had momentum for over 20 years and now – nada.
It really throws me off balance to feel things at such a standstill. With the way the economy is now, I know that I’m not the only one to feel this way. Of all of the craziness that has hit me in 2010, it is this loss of momentum that has literally thrown me to the wall. Like any major loss, it hits you in waves and I’m certainly going thru one right now.
Like many folks who define themselves by what they do more than anything else, it’s not a cool feeling to feel out of the game, to feel like you’re not ‘in’, to feel old, and to feel like your time has passed. If you’re looking for a job, peor (worse) – because you need to project energy, vitality, and a positive attitude in order to close that deal and get what you want!
Part of me feels very lost … do I really want what I’ve had for 20 years? Is it enough? Have I ‘been there, done that’? This lost feeling is not comfortable either, as I’ve always known what I’ve wanted, never a question in my mind. Another part of me feels like I desperately needed a break from the rat race, that NO way would I have made any changes without God intervening and changing it all up for me, and that, as uncertain as things are, I feel as if I’m being led – to what? Quien sabe?
I would like to, eventually, see this setback as the beginning of my comeback. Maybe it will help me to visualize what I would like to find in my life once the dust has settled – not in any particular order: to have a job that makes me feel like I’m helping others, to be able to work whenever I want, to be able to have days off and not feel guilty, to keep spending time and enjoying my familia, to make room for my friends and, oh could it be, get a man in my life, to get ahead in my bills, and to live with health, peace and joy.
What is the big difference be between my past and my future lives? In the past, all I wanted for Christmas was to be successful in my career y nada mas. That thinking served me well for a long time, but, looking at it now, nothing was in balance and, once the career took the nosedive in 2010, there was nothing left to hold me together. My future seems more based on balance – familia, career, taking days off, friends, health … all I need now is to keep the faith in my present to not make the mistakes of my past so that I can enjoy my future … where I no longer feel as if my time has passed…that it is just beginning…