My “Crackberry” … Broken Heart and Life In Pieces

As I write today’s entry, I see that it is one of my very best friend’s birthday, Rosa Salinas, may she rest in peace.  Rosa had a huge heart and had a lot of love to give … too bad she gave more love to the wrong person instead of herself … I still have trouble understanding why/how she decided to leave this earth without saying goodbye and without realizing her full potential.    Like lots of comadre-friends, Rosa and I were always talking about guys and about what it would be like when we found ‘the one’…I hope she’s found him wherever she may be…

I think back to the very few times where I’ve been in love or in like with someone…I don’t fall in or out of love that easily…but I have been thinking about how much easier falling in or out of love was when the world wasn’t so cyber-connected.   Thinking back to a time when my world would be completely turned out by a phone call or a love letter!  I still smile when I remember certain phone calls and, yes,  I have saved every letter that I’ve ever had and, yes, there are a few very nice love letters in that mix.   Who still has love letters?  I know that some youngsters do not even KNOW what a letter is, if you can believe that… Eventually, these relationships were over and it always took me a good while to get over this or that person … most times, it was distance that made it easier as I was always moving around and, sometimes, they just had to get out of my system in their own time.

Y ahora?  But NOW?

Try forgetting a man with email, cell phone, texts, Pandora, You Tube, Facebook … como fregados se puede hacer?  And if you are anything like me, all of my business is up there in my Blackberry AKA my Crackberry (according to my mamitas Nikki and CC)…I, who go NOWHERE without it except for yesterday, I did try it and went for an hour walk and did NOT take the Crackberry with me … drove everyone crazy when I didn’t answer the phone until I got back to the car …but I was able to walk off some of my stress and pick up at least one piece of my broken heart.  But I have to be honest, there were days when I would be on the lookout for a text, or an email, or a missed call from him – and then there were days when I would have the complete opposite reaction to a text, an email, or a missed call … usually with some type of cuss word in front of my thought along with a sigh of exasperation.

Maybe the key to mending a broken heart is to DISCONNECT even for a while … it forces me to think about how great everything was, and to be more realistic to how bad everything was too, it forces me to LISTEN to my soul which is sad and is crying about 24/7 inside these days and allow myself to figure out what I want for my life…

But, many times, I choose to distract myself from dealing with my mess by checking my email, and re-reading certain emails, getting on Facebook, putting on Pandora or You Tube and hearing certain songs/seeing certain videos sure to get me all melancolica again.   I’ve always been one to completely trust my tears, they may not come at the most opportune moments, but when they do come, it’s my most authentic self coming to the surface and getting all of that stress, sadness and negativity OUT.

So my ‘tarea’ homework is to try to disconnect for about an hour a day and NOT get all crazy trying to react to my Crackberry but to be proactive and use this time to take care of the broken pieces that make up my life these days … so if I don’t respond to a Facebook status or message, email, text, or phone call asi de volada, that is, within seconds … no need to freak out … Carmen is getting herself back together again, and if I happen to be walking…then I’m also losing part of my lonja and extra poundage LOL…my life, as always, is a work in progress…looking forward to closure happening sooner rather than later … and also looking forward to the day when I can enjoy listening to something besides talk radio and traffic reports and not jumping out of my skin every time I hear the little alert alarm telling me that I have an email, text message, or missed call LOL

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Spanish Sunday Nights! Lo Que Pasa Cuando Se Estornuda en Starbucks!

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The first of an all-Spanish post.  Trying to expand on my Spanish vocabulary as I prepare to take the State Interpreter Oral Exam for the THIRD time…let me know if I really messed up grammar-wize 🙂  I promised my Tio Freddy that I would try and do this once a week…English translation is also included:

Aquí me encuentro, tratando de buscar de QUE hablar completamente en español! Intentare hacer esto cada domingo por la noche … a ver como me sale…mi Tío Alfredo esta de visita de Texas y ya lleva DIAS diciéndome que debo de practicar el hablar, o mejor dicho, escribir, completamente en español…aquí estoy en Starbucks … y frente de mi…hay una pareja no muy joven pero tampoco vieja…una pareja mexicana entradísima besándose y agarrándose en la mesa frente a la mía. Entre mi, me digo, ‘ni modo, es su negocio de ellos, si quieren andar de calientes aquí frente a todos a su edad, pos que hago?’

Luego, me entra la alergia y comienzo a estornudar, una vez, dos veces, tres veces, y cuatro veces…después de la cuarta vez, el hombre deja de besuquear a su pareja y me dice, ” salud you ” – me imagino que fue una mezcla de “salud” y “bless you”. En cuanto le dije “gracias”, se sonrió y luego vi una mano tocarle fuertemente en el hombro, y luego le vi la cara de la mujer mirándome, toda enojada…y luego con esa misma mano le agarro al hombre y lo saco del Starbucks. FIN.

–English Translation–

Here I am, trying to figure out WHAT I should talk about completely in Spanish!  I will try to do this every Sunday night, let’s see how it goes…my Tio Fred is here visiting from Texas and he has been telling me for DAYS that I should practice talking, or should I say, writing completely in Spanish.    Here I am in Starbucks, and in front of me, there is a couple, not too young but not too old either…a Mexican couple all into kissing and grabbing each other at the table in front of me.   I tell myself, ‘whatever, it’s their business if they want to be all calientes here in front of everyone at their age, what do I do?’

Then, my allergies kick in and I start sneezing, one, two, three, and four times…after the fourth sneeze, the man stops kissing on his woman and tells me, “salud you” —   I would imagine that it was a mixture of ‘bless you’ in English and ‘Salud’ in Spanish.  Once I said ‘gracias’ thanks in Spanish, he smiles at me and then I see a hand grab his shoulder, and then I see the face of his woman glaring at me, all mad..and then with that same hand, she grabs his shoulder and takes him out of Starbucks.  The End.

My Month of Trancazos and Tragos Amargos

I’m being tested big time about now…things that I have feared would happen did indeed happen…it’s a weird feeling being thrown back 100 steps to start from nothing again … not too much time to recover because things are flying around fast in my life!

Try dealing with betrayal, fear, relief, anger, sadness, confusion and, at times, freakin’ disbelief ALL at the same time!    My favorite moments have been when I’m driving in my car or walking alone — where I don’t have to put on the face for anyone, where I don’t have to justify why I feel this or why I feel that, where I can truly be conflicted, confused, and where my thoughts and my words run wildly!

My poor steering wheel — this is where I take out the majority of my rage and frustration:   dandole trancazos/hitting it, clenching it, and, at times, throwing my head there in frustration.  I’ve shed a million tears in that vehicle during the past 2 weeks alone!

Walking…aaaaaaaah…sometimes it feels like I’m stomping out that stress, but being out in the fresh air has really helped me to clear my head — some days, I can barely THINK, just need to feel one foot moving in front of the other and need to feel that stress leave my body.  Thinking will come later 🙂

When I do think, I sit here and wonder … WHAT happened?  HOW did things get this crazy? WHY did I go there?  why did he go there? why did they go there?  WHERE will this mess all lead?  WHO knows how this will all end up?   I’ve had to drink a mess of “tragos amargos” long hard drinks of reality, all week, not easy.

I often wonder if I’ll ever be able to laugh at my month of Trancazos and Tragos Amargos … not likely, but I do know that I will eventually learn how to navigate my life in a completely different way yet still retain those parts of me that have always worked:  my faith in people, my love of community, and my positive spirit … gonna be a challenge but now that this has all hit bottom…there’s no other way to go but up!   Sometimes, I get mad at myself because it’s so difficult for me to stay mad or hold grudges because, there I am,  being positive!

This time, however, I know that I have had to walk this road alone, for the most part,  and make some of the hardest decisions of my life.    Therefore, this month will always be a significant one for me, the month by which, year after year, I will forever reflect on and analyze my ability to stand up for myself, to not question my gut feelings, to renew my faith in others, to know that difficult times do not break me, they make me…most of all, I will try to not be afraid of life’s trancazos and tragos amargos, I will try to embrace them so that I can enjoy life and stay positive!

Love this quote below and, as of next month, I would like to live my life in this manner:

How many ways can you say “y siiiiiii!”?   Time for positive change…my life, as always, is a work in progress…Inner Chingona getting ready to take charge…