I’m being tested big time about now…things that I have feared would happen did indeed happen…it’s a weird feeling being thrown back 100 steps to start from nothing again … not too much time to recover because things are flying around fast in my life!
Try dealing with betrayal, fear, relief, anger, sadness, confusion and, at times, freakin’ disbelief ALL at the same time! My favorite moments have been when I’m driving in my car or walking alone — where I don’t have to put on the face for anyone, where I don’t have to justify why I feel this or why I feel that, where I can truly be conflicted, confused, and where my thoughts and my words run wildly!
My poor steering wheel — this is where I take out the majority of my rage and frustration: dandole trancazos/hitting it, clenching it, and, at times, throwing my head there in frustration. I’ve shed a million tears in that vehicle during the past 2 weeks alone!
Walking…aaaaaaaah…sometimes it feels like I’m stomping out that stress, but being out in the fresh air has really helped me to clear my head — some days, I can barely THINK, just need to feel one foot moving in front of the other and need to feel that stress leave my body. Thinking will come later 🙂
When I do think, I sit here and wonder … WHAT happened? HOW did things get this crazy? WHY did I go there? why did he go there? why did they go there? WHERE will this mess all lead? WHO knows how this will all end up? I’ve had to drink a mess of “tragos amargos” long hard drinks of reality, all week, not easy.
I often wonder if I’ll ever be able to laugh at my month of Trancazos and Tragos Amargos … not likely, but I do know that I will eventually learn how to navigate my life in a completely different way yet still retain those parts of me that have always worked: my faith in people, my love of community, and my positive spirit … gonna be a challenge but now that this has all hit bottom…there’s no other way to go but up! Sometimes, I get mad at myself because it’s so difficult for me to stay mad or hold grudges because, there I am, being positive!
This time, however, I know that I have had to walk this road alone, for the most part, and make some of the hardest decisions of my life. Therefore, this month will always be a significant one for me, the month by which, year after year, I will forever reflect on and analyze my ability to stand up for myself, to not question my gut feelings, to renew my faith in others, to know that difficult times do not break me, they make me…most of all, I will try to not be afraid of life’s trancazos and tragos amargos, I will try to embrace them so that I can enjoy life and stay positive!
Love this quote below and, as of next month, I would like to live my life in this manner:
How many ways can you say “y siiiiiii!”? Time for positive change…my life, as always, is a work in progress…Inner Chingona getting ready to take charge…