Working My Way Back: A birthday impossible to forget…impossible to celebrate.

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Part of getting over a crazy situation is having to deal with feelings backing up on you.  My feelings are all over the place right now….

So hard to believe that it was about a year ago that I was planning on how I was going to help him celebrate his birthday.  Half of me wanted to go absolutely crazy for the occasion as things had been going so well…we were almost inseparable.   The other half of me was telling myself to NOT get too crazy…maybe he wasn’t that into birthdays…you never know.  I opted to go for simple and I remember he was very touched and it was a very nice day/night.

I’m one who NEVER forgets these types of details…I may not be a huge gift-giver but I do like to remember and celebrate important people in my life.  I’ve always been that way…

Who would have thought that, for these past few months, I would be remembering and “celebrating” his birthdate ad nauseam as I needed to provide information to law enforcement as I made report after report for all of the ‘gifts’ this man wanted to bestow on me:  embarrassment, anger, non-stop worrying, stress, fear, disgust, humiliation and so much more…

So now I’m between crying from sadness, nostalgia and grief to shaking my head and doing that short, loud, and dismissive ‘hmmmmph’ sound all loud and muttering ‘que se vaya mucho a la chin…’ from one minute to the next.

I am sooo waiting for the day when this will be just a day like any other and not one filled with so much conflicting emotion…aaaaay.

Working My Way Back…slowly but surely.

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Working My Way Back: Talking myself awake and showing up for life!

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Every time I struggled to get myself out of bed and started with my day, I would just breathe a loud and almost anguished, “…aaaaay!”   I had no desire to face the day, to face anyone, to face my responsibilities, to face what might happen…  I just wanted this horrible feeling to go the f&^% away and, not knowing what else to do, I got myself up.   Thanking God that I’ve always had a commute that, in traffic, was an hour or more…being in my car, behind that wheel, was the one time where I could be myself…where I could cry for all that was happening to me…scream out all of the ‘whys?’…where I could just ‘be’, where I didn’t really have to think about all of the desmadre if I didn’t want to…

I guess it’s true that, when you’re down to nothing, God is definitely up to something.  A few months have passed since those desperate days and my daily struggle is now to feel ‘normal’, to not feel all of the after-effects of everything has gone down, to be able to get up and do what I need to do … hard because I still am out of sorts and I don’t feel on top of my game.   The only thing that I do know is that I need to reorganize my life a little so that I can get stuff done and to try to feel my feelings so that I’m not walking around as dazed and as numb as I feel a lot of the time.

So it’s all about thinking about what time of the day works best for me for certain projects:  mornings:  waking up, paperwork, housekeeping issues.  Afternoons:  meetings, more creative thinking, creative stuff.   In between during daylight hours:  make time to walk like I used to. All this and getting to bed at a decent hour especially when I’m commuting.    As easy as planning events are for me, why is it so difficult for me to plan my survival and life and day?

I’m also going to try to do these things first thing in the AM:  1) Drink a glass of water  2) Pray  3) Give myself 3 goals to accomplish that day, and 4) Recognize what I’m grateful for.  Read somewhere that this could help me get my daily tasks done and get the motivation to keep moving me and my projects forward.  A ver si es cierto…

Now feeling and dealing with  the feelings will be a little harder so I will, at least, try to acknowledge them if nothing else.  Right now and for the past couple of days, it has been straight-up anger.  Anger that I’ve had to start over AGAIN, anger that I am not where I coulda shoulda been, anger that my livelihood was messed with…and Frustration that my very important learning curve and momentum was interrupted so it’s all about playing catch-up!

Maybe working out a schedule for myself will help me talk myself awake and give me something to look forward to:  a great life.

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Working My Way Back: When Work Was No Longer Enough

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I guess that everyone has their problems, their issues, their drama…I also know that, for a lot of years, I never really thought about how I would handle something major in my life.  I was always able to kind of glide myself through anything and move on.   A lot of these situations involved just that – situations that, although unpleasant, were manageable.    Things like my wanting to get a certain project right, where I needed to stand up for myself with certain colleagues, coming back from a bad event or bad meeting.    Never easy…but if you notice, these situations were mainly work-related, rarely truly personal.   I always kept my private life exactly that – private.   Very few people knew my business, very few people knew what my life was like out of an event.  That being said, I also see now that I didn’t really live, or contribute much to anything on a personal scale … I was very much out of practice.

Once I decided that living as a workaholic was not much of life — for many many years, I never saw the inside of any of the cool places where I lived in daylight or during weekends.  I’m still in some boxes from when I lived in Denver and how long ago was THAT?  I never appreciated ‘normal’ and ‘routine’ and the value of downtime during those days.

So a couple of years ago — I decided that I wanted to try ‘normal’, ‘routine’, ‘downtime’, ‘family time’, ‘going-out’ time.  I tried ‘normal’, ‘routine’ — simple things like getting home at a decent hour every day so that I could maybe do my walk before it got too late or hit the library – things I totally thought were square but that I loved to do.

I also tried ‘downtime’ – delegating a lot more job wize so that I would work my weekend events in shifts versus the entire day.  I used to think that event would not run right if I wasn’t there the entire time.   With that time, I could then make time for study groups and family stuff (as I was still at SFSU at the time)

I started coordinating a few of the family get-togethers and found that, every time we got together, that we could always have fun.  Not everyone would show up all of the time, but it was always fun and I started to feel my priorities change within my own fam as well:  things stopped being an obligation and more of a celebration for me.

I have always been the one to keep in touch with friends…if I think of someone who I haven’t seen in a long time, I’ll set out to see where they are and what they are up to…thus, I’m pretty good at planning reunions.   However, I could tell that, once I got into Event Season at work, that all of that went out of the window, I was all-consumed with work.   I tried to be a little more spontaneous and would make the call to my friends to get together — I usually went to where they were as it seemed easier.

I also went out on dates which I hadn’t done in a very long time…mostly, I just tried to have fun and keep it as simple as possible — that I was just going out with a man, I wasn’t marrying him.  My life did not leave room for any type of traditional relationship in the past and, although I did not envision a husband and children, I did want to see if I could find someone to spend time with and to see if I could learn to ‘convivir’ co-exist with another human being …

Thinking back…Good job in making having a life a priority.  Also, scary…going thru so many different changes at once.   I jumped in head-first (as I tend to do) to all of this newness in my life and all seemed to be going in the right direction…until it didn’t.   Did I take on too much at once?  Was I that much out of practice that I couldn’t see the danger signs ahead?  Did I want off of the professional treadmill so bad for a minute that I was wasn’t thinking clearly? Que paso?

There’s definitely a story waiting to be told … stay tuned…

Struggling to Keep Up with Inner Chingona

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I suppose it’s like anything so new … you feel completely out of place, like nothing is really clicking., like you are in a huge learning curve. But learning to do what? learning to like what? learning to be what? It really feels like I haven’t gotten my groove yet…like I don’t belong here, there, or anywhere.
I was asking BFF how to deal with the fact that I feel so out of sorts/ ‘sacada de onda’. I was promptly told to get my butt back into writing – no matter what it is, no matter if it’s good or not, that writing always seemed to center me.

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I’ve had to write so many things lately that take me back to my dark days of 2012 that I was beginning to lose sight of the benefit that writing does for me. Brings me back to earth and brings me back the power that I so easily gave away and am trying to get back…
I have been in what I call a rage lately because of all of the craziness in my life and now that I’m having to relive bad situations as I try to move forward – I have the best circle of famfriends who write the most amazing things to get me motivated and thought you’d like to see how a couple of them ‘keep it real’ for me always…

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Famfriend #1   “The rage you are experiencing right now is your inner self chomping at the bit to speak your truth that has been held down for such a long time. Don’t hold back when your moment comes to speak. This is the moment where you get to show the world the real, powerful you that you are. You will never be the same again once you have passed that threshold. It is a purification and a reclamation of yourself as someone worthy of respect, love and happiness. Your rage is righteous…I’m sure it feels quite intimidating and, at the same time, it is one of the most powerful experiences of your life.”

Famfriend #2   “like u, yo soy como un perro con un hueso if u f#$% with me; had to learn that s%^& way back when, when i wuz gettin’ my ass kicked in my place of employment and at times while in the world.  NEVER acceptable to be oppressed or regarded as less as human; at least not here and not today.”

This is how I KNOW  that I will eventually be ‘ok’ and that I am, most def, on my way back to keeping up with Inner Chingona!

My life, as always, is a work in progress.  Blessed.