Working My Way Back: Talking myself awake and showing up for life!

wake up and live

Every time I struggled to get myself out of bed and started with my day, I would just breathe a loud and almost anguished, “…aaaaay!”   I had no desire to face the day, to face anyone, to face my responsibilities, to face what might happen…  I just wanted this horrible feeling to go the f&^% away and, not knowing what else to do, I got myself up.   Thanking God that I’ve always had a commute that, in traffic, was an hour or more…being in my car, behind that wheel, was the one time where I could be myself…where I could cry for all that was happening to me…scream out all of the ‘whys?’…where I could just ‘be’, where I didn’t really have to think about all of the desmadre if I didn’t want to…

I guess it’s true that, when you’re down to nothing, God is definitely up to something.  A few months have passed since those desperate days and my daily struggle is now to feel ‘normal’, to not feel all of the after-effects of everything has gone down, to be able to get up and do what I need to do … hard because I still am out of sorts and I don’t feel on top of my game.   The only thing that I do know is that I need to reorganize my life a little so that I can get stuff done and to try to feel my feelings so that I’m not walking around as dazed and as numb as I feel a lot of the time.

So it’s all about thinking about what time of the day works best for me for certain projects:  mornings:  waking up, paperwork, housekeeping issues.  Afternoons:  meetings, more creative thinking, creative stuff.   In between during daylight hours:  make time to walk like I used to. All this and getting to bed at a decent hour especially when I’m commuting.    As easy as planning events are for me, why is it so difficult for me to plan my survival and life and day?

I’m also going to try to do these things first thing in the AM:  1) Drink a glass of water  2) Pray  3) Give myself 3 goals to accomplish that day, and 4) Recognize what I’m grateful for.  Read somewhere that this could help me get my daily tasks done and get the motivation to keep moving me and my projects forward.  A ver si es cierto…

Now feeling and dealing with  the feelings will be a little harder so I will, at least, try to acknowledge them if nothing else.  Right now and for the past couple of days, it has been straight-up anger.  Anger that I’ve had to start over AGAIN, anger that I am not where I coulda shoulda been, anger that my livelihood was messed with…and Frustration that my very important learning curve and momentum was interrupted so it’s all about playing catch-up!

Maybe working out a schedule for myself will help me talk myself awake and give me something to look forward to:  a great life.

woman waking up


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