It’s humbling and a tad emotional for me to realize that, no matter how much I have worked to improve my life, that I have a way to go to get back to feeling more like myself. Kind of feels like Inner Chillona needs to have her moment to cry and mourn “the way I’ve always done it”
I've basically done whatever, whenever, however, and wherever I've wanted to…I've also rarely had to think about the with 'whomever' either. Fast forward almost one year to the day that my life started to change a fuerzas. I was totally motivated this evening and was ready to do my regular 4-mile walk but the darkness started settling in quickly and, on the third mile, I started going back and forth in my mind, watching the sky go darker, watching the amount of people walking and running reducing with each step, and when I got to the Jeep, with tears in my eyes and frustration on my breath as I said. “chiiiiiin!’, I stopped at my Jeep, opened the door and jumped into my driver’s seat.
To have to learn an entire new way of thinking and living is exhausting, sad, and makes me angry — because these changes didn’t come from a positive space, didn’t happen because I really wanted them to happen, these changes came out of circumstances way beyond my comprehension and control. So now my personal challenge is to embrace a new way of living my life. I suppose that, eventually, Inner Chingona will have me accepting and embracing these changes…for tonight, Inner Chillona wants to take center stage — so it’s about feeling sad and crying about it.
My assignment for next time: start my 4-mile walk earlier in the evening so that I can finish before dark. Ni modo. But now I can go out and drive home to the light of an awesome luna llena/full moon as I accept my new life.