It’s been one of those weeks…if I sat here and told you that Inner Chingona is working it and keeping all of the sadness and anger away, I would be one big mentirosa/liar!
Again, it feels as if every movement and decision takes a supreme effort, that I am going ‘contra la corriente’/on the wrong side of the road and it is quite unsettling. That I am able to ‘fake it until I make it’ is nothing short of a miracle. Taking care of myself when I get like this is the hardest thing ever — I tend to keep really busy so that I don’t have to be alone with myself, where I cannot lie to myself, where I cannot hide behind an event or a person. Why do I have to do the changing? Why do I have to make things right? Jeeez…
The anger I feel towards past events is a trip and my rage surprises me STILL. To have to change my entire life, especially as it took me so long to finally be at peace, and especially since I did not ask for all of this craziness and drama in my life me llena de un coraje tremendo really makes me angry. Aaaand, to know that the only way that I will come out on the other end, is to walk this road alone me da MAS coraje!
The sadness comes from a natural mourning process I guess … except that it feels anything BUT natural. It feels very vulnerable, like someone is pulling my skin off little by little, like I do lose my balance, like I’m not used to this new life…my Type A wants to do a snap of the fingers and be done with this inner drama, the nerves, the ‘chorros’ LOL …guess it’s not time yet. This, I guess, is part of walking thru this road alone…aaay.
What keeps me going? The fact that, against all odds, I am a positive person and that I know that, eventually, I’ll be able to look back and say, ‘see that mess in my life? I handled it!’ and that, eventually, I’ll stop feeling sad, stop ‘chillando’, and live happier instead of angry.
How to take care of myself: Keep my projects moving forward, super-handle those details, keep fam close, curse and cry big time while in my Jeep, keep practicing gratitude, praying that Rosary, and visualizing being happy and working it like I have always somehow been able to do! OMG! as I was writing, this song came on! ‘One Is the Magic Number’ where this line shouted out to me, “…if you want to make a change in this world, in your life, start by looking in the mirror!…’ Y siiiii! There are my new marching orders!
Had to include this song: Jill Scott ‘One Is the Magic Number’ love it!