Working My Way Back: More steps back? Chiiiiin!!!!!

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It’s been one of those weeks…if I sat here and told you that Inner Chingona is working it and keeping all of the sadness and anger away, I would be one big mentirosa/liar!

Again, it feels as if every movement and decision takes a supreme effort, that I am going ‘contra la corriente’/on the wrong side of the road and it is quite unsettling. That I am able to ‘fake it until I make it’ is nothing short of a miracle. Taking care of myself when I get like this is the hardest thing ever — I tend to keep really busy so that I don’t have to be alone with myself, where I cannot lie to myself, where I cannot hide behind an event or a person. Why do I have to do the changing? Why do I have to make things right? Jeeez…

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The anger I feel towards past events is a trip and my rage surprises me STILL. To have to change my entire life, especially as it took me so long to finally be at peace, and especially since I did not ask for all of this craziness and drama in my life me llena de un coraje tremendo really makes me angry. Aaaand, to know that the only way that I will come out on the other end, is to walk this road alone me da MAS coraje!

The sadness comes from a natural mourning process I guess … except that it feels anything BUT natural. It feels very vulnerable, like someone is pulling my skin off little by little, like I do lose my balance, like I’m not used to this new life…my Type A wants to do a snap of the fingers and be done with this inner drama, the nerves, the ‘chorros’ LOL …guess it’s not time yet. This, I guess, is part of walking thru this road alone…aaay.

What keeps me going? The fact that, against all odds, I am a positive person and that I know that, eventually, I’ll be able to look back and say, ‘see that mess in my life? I handled it!’ and that, eventually, I’ll stop feeling sad, stop ‘chillando’, and live happier instead of angry.

How to take care of myself: Keep my projects moving forward, super-handle those details, keep fam close, curse and cry big time while in my Jeep, keep practicing gratitude, praying that Rosary, and visualizing being happy and working it like I have always somehow been able to do! OMG! as I was writing, this song came on! ‘One Is the Magic Number’ where this line shouted out to me, “…if you want to make a change in this world, in your life, start by looking in the mirror!…’ Y siiiii! There are my new marching orders!

Had to include this song: Jill Scott ‘One Is the Magic Number’ love it!

One thought on “Working My Way Back: More steps back? Chiiiiin!!!!!

  1. My dearest Carmen – After reading your blog so many things popped into my head. Here are a few:

    You know, I grew up very angry as a child. I was VERY in touch with what my angry “it’s not fair/It’s not right” side. It think you knew me then! And then one day I became a part of a group counseling session for beginning counselors to use me as a guinea pig.
    Everything was going smoothly until it was my turn to divulge my life. In the end, I did not share that day but I’ll never forget what that poor student said to me after an hour of trying to get me to speak.
    He said, ” You don’t have to share but notice how much energy it is taking you to keep it all in. You look tired and drained. You don’t have to live that way.”
    So I have kept that jewel in my crown. I notice where my energy goes and I take stock of how it effects what I do. And my favorite go to phrases with the students I counsel is, “Life is NOT fair, get used to it”.

    The day I decided mentally to leave for the Peace Corps, I was driving down Franklin on the corner of Sutterville and Franklin. I was scared I saw this big billboard. The conversation in my head went something like this: I will really miss all of this, I will even miss that billboard. So I won’t go. I’m gonna miss too much here. There done. Don’t go. OK stop crying. OK now what. I’m looking at that billboard and now that I am not leaving who gives a shit about that damn billboard. It’s only going to mean something If I leave. Damn it! I have to go. I have to go. And I’m pretty sure it will be there when I get back. OK so now you really are going. OK VAMONOS!
    It’s all about perspective. And damn it if that billboard doesn’t mean something special.

    So, one day after knowing things were never going to work out with Joe, he was still living in the house. He saw me very sad and he made some comment. I lashed out, ” You don’t get it. I don’t hate you, I am just incredibly disappointed in myself. I let myself down. It was a mistake I made that really hurt my heart and I should have known better. That’s all.”
    It was so cathartic to get to say that to his being. I think it changed him and it made such a difference in how I see the future.
    I mourned sufficiently what could have been and am open to what our relationship is now. Definitely romanticly over, for sure. But wiser and a deep appreciation for what we learned from each other.

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