The Aftermath. Inner Chingona has some complicated work ahead…
—having gone thru a very traumatic situation where all of my personal and professional business was put out all over cyberspace, endless email, text messages, voice mails, and phone calls felt like I had been literally thrown into a hurricane…and NOW my life feels and looks like the aftermath of a disaster: everything is all pulled out of the ground, no foundation left, everything thrown around, nothing feels right yet. The difference between a natural disaster is that people, places, and things get affected with little or no notice. My personal hurricane and havoc that followed WAS planned and executed to create as much personal and professional fallout as possible and, especially, to destroy my spirit.
I’ve lost so much that it is very hard to think about it without getting upset … loss that I did not look for, that I did not want, that I did not deserve. In fact, I just got news that, yet another opportunity has come and gone for me ‘just like that’ — more fallout — which makes me sad and angry. Why do I have to do all of the changing? Why do I have to be one to pay for all of this freakin’ mess? WHY AM I THE ONE who has to lose all of the time?
But isn’t that the way disasters are? There is so much mess that it’s difficult for you and others to see anything positive in that moment. It’s very unfair eso si. All I want is for things to be normal and any sense of normalcy will be impossible without me going thru the piles of stuff, these changes, which happen to be very painful at this precise moment.
I have had to ‘keep on keeping on’ for soooo long now and, when I look back at the time, I see that it’s been a little over a year when it started coming down. It feels like 10 years some days and, as much as I want to snap my fingers and have everything be exactly the same as before…I know that HAD things been exactly the same as before that I would be living my life on the constant verge of a breakdown, that I would be fighting to keep my emotions in check during the day and falling apart every night, that I would be lost in a vicious circle of ‘maybe nothing will happen today’ to ‘chingada madre, what I do now?’, I would be praying trying to keep it all together at events that I was in charge of, I would be making stupid decisions in efforts of controlling the disaster, I would be desperate as I watched colleagues and friend after friend back away from me or I would have to pack up and leave, yet again, without a clue as to where I would end up next.
Getting thru this aftermath will require me to REFOCUS, RESET and RESTART. In between the refocusing and resetting, I know that I’ll need to shed a few more tears and I’ll most def need to do that ‘persignada/sign of the cross’ and walk thru my fears so that I’ll have the ‘mevalemadre’ attitude needed in order to be ready to press that RESTART button to walk on solid ground and to build that new foundation. Inner Chingona tells me that I’m down but nowhere near out.
A person,whom I’ve never met, now experiencing what I went through, told me that my personal hurricane is helping her hold on today as the winds of her storm thrashes her around…HOLD ON to your positive spirit, it will be there to help you as you start to clean up in the aftermath…