The Aftermath: Refocus. Reset. Restart.


The Aftermath. Inner Chingona has some complicated work ahead…

—having gone thru a very traumatic situation where all of my personal and professional business was put out all over cyberspace, endless email, text messages, voice mails, and phone calls felt like I had been literally thrown into a hurricane…and NOW my life feels and looks like the aftermath of a disaster: everything is all pulled out of the ground, no foundation left, everything thrown around, nothing feels right yet. The difference between a natural disaster is that people, places, and things get affected with little or no notice. My personal hurricane and havoc that followed WAS planned and executed to create as much personal and professional fallout as possible and, especially, to destroy my spirit.

I’ve lost so much that it is very hard to think about it without getting upset … loss that I did not look for, that I did not want, that I did not deserve. In fact, I just got news that, yet another opportunity has come and gone for me ‘just like that’ — more fallout — which makes me sad and angry. Why do I have to do all of the changing? Why do I have to be one to pay for all of this freakin’ mess? WHY AM I THE ONE who has to lose all of the time?

But isn’t that the way disasters are? There is so much mess that it’s difficult for you and others to see anything positive in that moment. It’s very unfair eso si. All I want is for things to be normal and any sense of normalcy will be impossible without me going thru the piles of stuff, these changes, which happen to be very painful at this precise moment.

I have had to ‘keep on keeping on’ for soooo long now and, when I look back at the time, I see that it’s been a little over a year when it started coming down. It feels like 10 years some days and, as much as I want to snap my fingers and have everything be exactly the same as before…I know that HAD things been exactly the same as before that I would be living my life on the constant verge of a breakdown, that I would be fighting to keep my emotions in check during the day and falling apart every night, that I would be lost in a vicious circle of ‘maybe nothing will happen today’ to ‘chingada madre, what I do now?’, I would be praying trying to keep it all together at events that I was in charge of, I would be making stupid decisions in efforts of controlling the disaster, I would be desperate as I watched colleagues and friend after friend back away from me or I would have to pack up and leave, yet again, without a clue as to where I would end up next.

Getting thru this aftermath will require me to REFOCUS, RESET and RESTART. In between the refocusing and resetting, I know that I’ll need to shed a few more tears and I’ll most def need to do that ‘persignada/sign of the cross’ and walk thru my fears so that I’ll have the ‘mevalemadre’ attitude needed in order to be ready to press that RESTART button to walk on solid ground and to build that new foundation. Inner Chingona tells me that I’m down but nowhere near out.

A person,whom I’ve never met, now experiencing what I went through, told me that my personal hurricane is helping her hold on today as the winds of her storm thrashes her around…HOLD ON to your positive spirit, it will be there to help you as you start to clean up in the aftermath…



Working HER Way Back: Go Mom!


Such a cool day for my parents yesterday, especially Mom. When I took this pic of them and looked back at it once again, I could see how far Mama had come in her recovery, how far she and Dad had come thru this mess, and it was a powerful feeling to know that, as a familia, we came thru this experience of almost losing Mom and we are still intact, still together. Gives me hope for the other journeys that I need to make for my life…

But my sister summed it up best, so here’s Kiki’s take on this pic of the folks:

“To all of you who have listened to me go on about my mother/father/family’s pain, here is why we continue on: it is for a day like this. They are now able to go out for short periods of time and enjoy themselves and look how GGGGGGOOOOOOOODDDD they look. This picture was taken in their front yard.

My father started to take care of the roses behind them FOR my mother and when they bloom he puts them in a vase for my mother next to her bed so that she can see them close up and smell them. My father also used to pick them and take them to her in the care home for almost a year I presume to bring her a little bit of “home” and hope and something for her to look forward to. Of course, the roses used to only reach their knees when Mom first came home about a year ago. Hopefully their relationship will blossom like the roses. Thank you all for your prayers always.” —Kiki

We remain blessed and, more important, we remain united as a family.

In Search of that Perfect Place and that Special Space

For the past 6 months, I’ve been actively searching, searching for a safe place, searching for a place that I can completely be myself. So much changes have taken place in a very short time, and, while I’m not completely down and out, I still feel very raw, very sad, very lost, and very much like a person on the outside looking in to my life.

I did not want to leave my comfort zone of the past 10 years or so, did not want to leave what I had known, what I had worked for, what I considered the perfect situation.

Turns out that God thinks otherwise … turns out that I need to be out of my comfort zone, turns out that I need to learn new things, turns out that I just may have grown out of ‘the perfect situation’.

I reverted to what I call, the dark side of ‘keep on keeping on’ — always moving fast, always needing to fill the time, always staying focused on being “on”, keeping busy, and leaving anything unfinished to the side.

Then again, in some ways, I’ve always been one to go for it, to take a chance, to make a move: to new cities, new jobs, new friends, new opportunities … maybe my new challenge is to learn how to stay still, to enjoy how things look in the light of day and in the dark of night instead of just stopping when the growing pains feel like they are too much to handle and wanting to “keep things like they always were” when things get crazy…

Most definitely, it is time to embrace all that is new, yet at the same time, familiar, in my life. I don’t think that I will be happy in any new place, new job, new situation if I do not learn how to embrace these changes instead of always wanting to run away from them.

Bottom line: no new starts without taking care of my unfinished business in all areas of my life … the search for the perfect place and special space continues…