Today, to the day, after a very violent argument where my keys were taken straight out of the ignition leaving me stranded, I had to channel Inner Chingona like never before…my personal life and situation was no longer personal, it was completely unraveling, affecting every single area of my life. That night, I remember telling myself that this was IT, that I finally had to do something, that it was time to stop living in fear and try to get myself back together. I was so exhausted from trying to keep it all together, trying to make sense of the madness, trying to figure out how to get out of the mess.
All I could think of to do was to physically remove myself from my home, my career, my friends, my life as I knew it. That fateful Friday night, exactly one year ago today, was the first step forward that I had taken in a very long time. That night, I didn’t over think anything, didn’t berate myself for the choices that I had made, didn’t do anything but decide that I was worth standing up for, that NO one would be able to walk this road but me. God was very much with me during the next 24 hours as I was able to get help, get home, and start my new life — not knowing what would happen or where I would end up.
Fast forward to today, one year later, one year of living in stability. My life may not be exactly what I want, where I want, how I want it — but I am able to sleep at night and think clearly about what my next moves will be. I’m forever grateful to my primo Ricky who had a great talk with me on that fateful night along with the members of G530 who taught me, by their example, how to put one foot in front of the other even when things are crazy and to never give up. I used to be naïve, pendeja, if you will. Now, experience has taught me that I need to be smarter as I work my way to trusting people and situations and to never, ever, ever, doubt that little voice inside me – that powerful combination of intuition and Inner Chingona who pulled me out of that dark, ugly, night one year ago.
I never imagined that things would get so bad for me and, conversely, never imagined that anything could change. But change it has, and it is still evolving every day. Sometimes completely changing it up for a minute allows one to move forward, at least it did for me.