SonsaTontaPendejaMensa yo. The minute I started to actually talk myself OUT of what I should think, say, or write, with each passing month, I began to lose the most powerful part of myself. My voice.
Ever since I can remember, I have always had an opinion. Even when I was told to shut my big mouth, which was often, I never could. It was like I just HAD TO get my voice heard. I was never afraid to speak up.
For the majority of my life, this was always the way I lived. My voice (with Inner Chingona’s help) was able to open so many doors for me, walk into any room, do whatever I wanted, go after any goal. Nothing could stop me.
So if nothing could stop me, que paso? Someone entered my life and, instead of appreciating my opinion, made the decision make me pay for having an opinion and for having family, friends, opportunities and goals. This person used everything that I had ever said in confidence against me and told anyone who would listen. It was at this moment that I stopped thinking for myself, stopped having my opinion, stopped writing with conviction — I started holding things back in efforts to protect others. At the time, I thought that this was the thing to do. I spent months and months blaming myself for what this person took from me and, once I began to heal, I realized that all of this drama was NOT mine. Ironically, this person was trying to find his voice, at the expense of mine.
One short month ago, I made the scary decision to say ‘vayanse a la chingada‘ to all of these demons, real and imagined. After a couple of years of holding back, holding things in, shutting down and, more important, when I realized that I hadn’t written ANYTHING in three months, it was finally time to gather my tears, fears and carry on Inner Chingona style.
Now I feel like a baby who is learning how to say her first words: everything is hesitant, nothing is coming out right, who knows how it will sound? can I do it? I also ask myself the following: will my words ever be used against me so viciously with others? will I ever be able to shout again with confidence? will I ever be able to write with the passion that I once had and, more important, write for ME and not for, or in spite of, others?
Today, the only thing that I know is: I am a good writer; I love to write, I “have” to write, it is an essential part of my voice
and I’ve missed it with a passion! So with some fear and a lil bit of ‘chorros’, I am back LOL.
FOLLOW YOUR PASSION, whatever it may be, everything else will fall back into place.