It’s here. We are that point. The one thing that all adult children fear. The one phone call that adult children are afraid to receive. The one conversation that we all dread. This is the day where we struggle between feeling hopeful and feeling hopeless. The day that our parents are getting ready to leave us.
Within the past 24 hours I have vacillated between screaming out in frustration because I want things to go a certain way, let’s get to a hospital, let’s get extra help in the house, let’s figure out a plan, let’s, let’s, let’s, LET’S do something to right now: beyond sad and struggling to find resignation and acceptance for the inevitable. I’ve always been afraid of goodbyes – and some very important people in my life passed without me able to say goodbye to them, much less say what I wanted to say to them.
Our collective hearts were broken today at 3:20pm when my mother told us how she wanted to continue living out the rest of her life on this earth. On the one hand, she was so peaceful that it became impossible to fight her decision. So, as I sit here calm one minute, crying the next, I realize that my mother has given us an incredible gift: the chance to be with her as she goes on to her final journey. I am so afraid of letting go of her, what if she wants to come back? what if she gets scared? what if she feels lonely? what if? what if? The best part of it all is that Mom is completely alert and completely sure of what she is doing…she sat us down and told us her wishes and told us all that she loved us.
So many people go thru their entire lives without feeling a parent’s love, respect, and approval. My siblings and I KNOW what our parents think of us, they have both told us how proud they are of us and how much they love us. Their love and support will get us thru the very hard times to come as we learn to accept Mama’s wishes and to, as Mama always says, to let go and let God.