I’ve written on this subject before so that means that I still needed some work on the word ‘no’. So many times, when I have said ‘no’, I was afraid. Afraid of the power of the word, afraid that people wouldn’t like me, afraid that I would mess up the status quo, afraid that someone would get mad, afraid to use my God-given mind, afraid of the sound of my voice. Hoping that my voice wouldn’t betray me by shaking, afraid that my tears would fall out of my eyes and that I would appear weak.
Then, last week happened. Suffice it to say that all hell broke loose, every fear came at me face-first, humiliation, defeat, death, weakness, sadness. Everything manifested itself physically with me violently ill vomiting all over the car while driving on the freeway. As I sat at my friend’s house, cooled off, and calmed myself, I had just enough energy to get in my car and drive home slowly. Nothing really hit me until the next day…here I was physically sick and still trying to control every part of my world, trying to keep that lid on tight. Well, of course, that didn’t end well. I was still throwing up and still trying to do it all myself, trying to control the rage and action of others. Then it hit me, by letting go and by saying ‘no’ and meaning it, I could get myself back in gear.
I had an assignment in a support group I belonged to a couple of years ago: our assignment was to say ‘no’ and mean it, with no apologies, no ‘I’m sorry’ after that ‘no’. I was all big and bad in my group and then promptly went outside to get gasoline, when someone came up and asked me for money. First thing out of my mouth: “I’m sorry but no…” Fail. LOL.
Fast forward 3 or 4 days, I’m still a little shaken up but my resolve is stronger than ever. For me and for others, for the good of all concerned, it is time to say “no” and mean it, no apologies, no excuses, no rage, no anger, and most important, no fear. I am sifting through all of the crazyass madness that took place in the past week, I am sorting out the good and bad, the things I must say no to, for my own good. It will not be easy. It will not be pretty, It is necessary, It is time to say no to drama, to anger, to rage, to control, to keeping things in, to keeping quiet, to letting myself down time and time again. Saying ‘no’ will allow me to heal, to stop living in fear of what others want, think and/or do. I can now see that I have been through worse and, at the end of the day, when I thought about it, it was when I said “No” that things truly changed for the better, it’s all in how you look at things.
I have lost so much in the past few days, but I have gained something too: thanks to the grace of God, I’ve been able to gain perspective, which I really needed, I was able to see that, things happen, no one is perfect, and that no one should live life with a pit of negativity in their stomach. NO is a complete sentence and respecting my boundaries will never lead me wrong, no matter what happens.