Lately, it feels as if I’ve been getting dumped lately. Friends and somewhat friends have had it with me. Have had it with me not reciprocating in the relationship, not returning calls, not setting up lunch or dinner, not doing my part I guess. I take full responsibility for my actions and while a couple of friends did not wait for me to give them any type of explanation, others did.
Isn’t it a trip how some folks cannot handle change, the “new” you, and, quite frankly, the fact that you have drifted apart? I’ve always been the one to stay in contact, to initiate and plan get-togethers, to ‘work it’ with friendships. Little by little, I started to notice that, if I did nothing, no one else did either. That, and the fact that every friend and acquaintance was fair game to be harassed by this man, made me withdraw from everyone, little by little.
For many months, I was content to turn within myself as I healed. I could not even THINK of giving time to anyone else for anything: friendship, romance, business opportunities, nada. I did my best to make the obligations that I had left, I did my best to try to be “on” and you better know I had the “fake it until you make it” attitude down pact. It literally hurt me to spend time with others, I had lost all trust in myself. I didn’t know how to act anymore around others. It was as if I knew that I would mess anything up that I touched. I questioned everything about anything, my life was a desmadre.
About this time last year, I started trying to work it again. Projects were a little bit easier to take on than people if that makes sense. I know my way around events and projects, interpersonal communication, which had NEVER been a problem for me, was still a major roadblock for me. When my faith in myself with people began to unravel, I knew that I still had a way to go before I would be completely back.
Fast forward to now: I am much more confident, ready to work it, and, amazingly, still out of practice with people. To hear myself say this, to see myself write this, to actually think this about myself continues to blow my mind. So to get the ‘break up’ call from a friend who was furious that I could not meet up with her hurt a little at first … and to know that any explanation would have seemed like an excuse or a justification…even if I was a mess, straight-up broke and had not one dollar to put gasoline in the Jeep to go anywhere that day, that I was not in any shape to be there for anyone.
It gets very easy for me to focus on what I have not done, why I have not done or said this or that, why someone wants to ‘break up’ with me. But it really is all about that person, and me, setting a boundary, of making a decision of how one wants to be treated. Just as some folks do not think that I am worth the effort anymore, believe it or not, is OK, I actually respect the huevos it takes for someone to tell you your verdades/truth. I was not the greatest friend, or even a friend to others. I had very compelling reasons at the time that not everyone will ever understand. Some won’t wait around for any type of explanation and that is fine. My challenge will be to learn from these “break-ups” and try to do better by others next time around and hope that they will do the same for me.
The biggest lesson learned here is that NOT EVERYONE IS MEANT TO GO ON YOUR JOURNEY WITH YOU so try to do the right thing, the best way you can.