WHATQueQUE? Did You Say You Want To Break Up? #52essays2017

#52essays2017

Lately, it feels as if I’ve been getting dumped lately.   Friends and somewhat friends have had it with me.  Have had it with me not reciprocating in the relationship, not returning calls, not setting up lunch or dinner, not doing my part I guess. I take full responsibility for my actions and while a couple of friends did not wait for me to give them any type of explanation, others did.

Isn’t it a trip how some folks cannot handle change, the “new” you, and, quite frankly, the fact that you have drifted apart?  I’ve always been the one to stay in contact, to initiate and plan get-togethers, to ‘work it’ with friendships.  Little by little, I started to notice that, if I did nothing, no one else did either.    That, and the fact that every friend and acquaintance was fair game to be harassed by this man, made me withdraw from everyone, little by little.

For many months, I was content to turn within myself as I healed.  I could not even THINK of giving time to anyone else for anything:  friendship, romance, business opportunities, nada.   I did my best to make the obligations that I had left, I did my best to try to be “on” and you better know I had the “fake it until you make it” attitude down pact.  It literally hurt me to spend time with others, I had lost all trust in myself.   I didn’t know how to act anymore around others. It was as if I knew that I would mess anything up that I touched.  I questioned everything about anything, my life was a desmadre.

About this time last year, I started trying to work it again.  Projects were a little bit easier to take on than people if that makes sense.  I know my way around events and projects, interpersonal communication, which had NEVER been a problem for me, was still a major roadblock for me.  When my faith in myself with people began to unravel, I knew that I still had a way to go before I would be completely back.

Fast forward to now:  I am much more confident, ready to work it, and, amazingly, still out of practice with people. To hear myself say this, to see myself write this, to actually think this about myself continues to blow my mind.   So to get the ‘break up’ call from a friend who was furious that I could not meet up with her hurt a little at first … and to know that any explanation would have seemed like an excuse or a justification…even if I was a mess, straight-up broke and had not one dollar to put gasoline in the Jeep to go anywhere that day, that I was not in any shape to be there for anyone.

It gets very easy for me to focus on what I have not done, why I have not done or said this or that, why someone wants to ‘break up’ with me.  But it really is all about that person, and me, setting a boundary, of making a decision of how one wants to be treated.  Just as some folks do not think that I am worth the effort anymore, believe it or not,  is OK,  I actually respect the huevos it takes for someone to tell you your verdades/truth.   I was not the greatest friend, or even a friend to others.  I had very compelling reasons at the time that not everyone will ever understand.  Some won’t wait around for any type of explanation and that is fine.  My challenge will be to learn from these “break-ups” and try to do better by others next time around and hope that they will do the same for me.

The biggest lesson learned here is that NOT EVERYONE IS MEANT TO GO ON YOUR JOURNEY WITH YOU so try to do the right thing, the best way you can.

#52essays2017

 

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One thought on “WHATQueQUE? Did You Say You Want To Break Up? #52essays2017

  1. morning carmen,  yeah, i’ve always known that most, if not all relationships of any kind, are usually for a “season.”  some of those seasons r of long duration; others are situational and once that situation ends, so does the relationship.   u have ALWAYS been the “glue” that has kept social relationships in place.  i’m sure others may have had the same level of enthusiasm as u, but those were very few—me included.  i think it wonderful that ur coming to some “conclusions” and/or new awareness of how relationships can work, and more importantly, that it’s ok if some relationships have to come to an end.   as i’ve aged, i know that my level of “commitment” to friends, colleagues, and even some familia, has continually changed.  in my world, this has occurred cuz we (the participants in the relationships) have changed; circumstances have changed or we simply have no more “value” to add to each other’s lives.  most of us just let the relationships fade……  and i have learned that this is ok too; there r no bad people, but simply folks that have changed or no longer desire what u have to offer.   i have FINALLY discovered the kind of friend, colleague and family person i am is a SITUATIONAL connection.  not nostalgic here, but appreciative of my past; work diligently to remain “present” and that allows little time for the past; and equally important, i find that i don’t wanna have to work at staying connected—this, i believe, makes me a situational relationship person and that works for me.   there r pros and cons to being this kind of person.  so far, the pros have it, but if that ever changes, and i find myself crying like a lil’ bitch, then i’ll change it, assuming i can….  my research, in planning for my continued aging, shows that the older we get, the harder it is to connect with other human beings if we don’t have an established history.  today, i’m good with that and i wanna believe that, no matter my age, as long as i can talk and walk, i should be find no matter where i’m located.  my church helps me with that; self-directed groups make sense to me; and if nothing exists, then i start a group.  quick note:   just discovered that my “future” retirement community has just started an LGBT social group.  we started looking at Sun City (SC) over 2 years ago and the joke between me and ismaeli was that as soon as we moved in and got the house set-up, i’d start work at creating a social group.  now, all i gotta do is join, assuming i want to at that time.  true story sister….  i CONTINUE to maintain that loneliness exists if we 1) do not have the social/intellectual abilities to connect with others, OR 2) we choose to be disconnected.  right now i have NO friends; NO meaningful relationships—all situational contacts.  if my hubby died tomorrow, it would simply be me, god, the desert, and other human beings.  i could continue my “alone” journey or i could change it.  my plans, however, would continue assuming i could still move and funds remained available.   so i share this because i think ur EXACTLY where u need to be in ur discoveries about connections/friendships/personal value.  those of us who value and love u will ALWAYS find ways to stay connected to u.  u know i have ALWAYS appreciated what u have done for all of us and while i know “creating” social events is part of ur DNA, it’s still alotta work and at times, can be disappointing when others don’t see the value in what u attempt to create.  do what u do because it is right for u and because u feel it in ur heart; forget about those who simply don’t see the same value u do—they’re just being true to what they value, or not.   bueno chika, gota go walk.  30lbs. over my “desired” goal, but that’s on me; clearly, i don’t wannit as much as i think i do otherwise my weight would change.  now my goal is simply to get out there and move cuz it CONTINUES to make sense–always has…  god bless u and keep working that journey; that soul—it’s ur number one job hermana.  abrazos, jorge.  ps. feel free to copy this text to ur post; i tried doen it and having some technical issues—whatevvvv……  i’m so “disconnected” to the world that i don’t even put forth the effort to figure it out.  maybe i’ve just gotten lazy in my ole age or i hide behind ignorance   wouldn’t b the first time!!  

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