We all deal with the struggle of having to see ourselves through another’s eyes: our mothers, fathers, family, significant others, children, boss, friends, you name it. Nothing can give your confidence a boost like a word that you need to hear at “just the right moment”. Conversely, nothing can bring your world crashing down like a word — be it “as a friend” advice, criticism, or observation that, whether it is well-meaning or not, can bring on a negative effect and rock your world for minutes, days, months, or years.
Part of getting your CONFIDENCE back is to find the courage to sift through all of these words and to toss those that have no meaning for you, that were given to you in a destructive manner, and keep those words that will help you live in the most positive way possible. I warn you now, this post will be graphic and sometimes negative. These are the types of words that I have had to look at for five years now from one individual, twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week:
-I don’t want to take out every bit of anger I have on you.
-I’m going to lose it carmen.
-You know how I get when I’m frustrated and pissed.
-The holidays are here is bullshit necessary?
-Really. Do not fuck with me carmen. You really need to answer me. Hello. (repeated hundreds of times in separate text messages).
-I can tear you up carmen. You and the peeps you love
-Im your enemy until further notice
-Apparently you haven’t lost enough
-Bitch call me later
-I live to make you eat your words
-Run my money bitch, give me my cut fat slut
I have waited a very long time to make this blog post. I guess it was either too difficult or humiliating to take a look back. Five years are a long time to have to deal with someone’s else’s view of you and your life. Much of this time was spent with my head down, trying to minimize the damage, trying to control the situation, trying to change the words that spewed every negative thing imaginable. Abusive words that, in the short run, damaged me and my view of myself, compromised my trust of people, of situations, of life and in myself. To give you an idea of what type of mess I deal with to this day, this person has sent me over 30,000 text and email messages which are 99% negative, filthy, abusive, obsessive, demeaning, disgusting, perverse, and straight-up crazy. To top it off, this person did not stop with me. My family, friends, colleagues, bosses, and acquaintances were all in the line of his vicious fire.
Although I never stopped writing, it was difficult for me to imagine ever saying, much less writing some of the words that have harmed me. And you better know that this is just a very small part of the words I have seen, there is so much that is so graphic and deranged that, out of respect, I cannot include them into this post.
Below you will see my monthly summary of texts and calls that have been sent to me – I may have been dealing with this mess for five years, and, amazingly, it never seems to let up: this picture is from August from one week of THIS year. If you do the math, that is Four Thousand, Three Hundred, and Fifty Seven text messages in ONE week from different phone numbers. The emails number in the thousands, the Facebook messages that some of you may have received number in the hundreds, all include my phone number.
God, Jesus and the Virgen of G were watching out for me constantly, I never had to endure any physical abuse. However, verbal abuse is no joke and I have since learned that words can feel like a slap in the face, a punch in the stomach, a shove into the wall, and a painful kick when you are down. All physical violence starts with words. What I struggled to realize was that I had the power to stop this damage. I had the law behind me, I had my family and friends support, I had my work.
He always said that he would wear me down, and, to a point, he is 100% correct. When I thankfully, started coming out of the fog, and I realized that, NO, this shit is far from normal, this person does NOT have my best interest at heart, that much of what he writes to me is either to destroy me, my reputation or a reflection of what is happening in HIS life, or lack of a life, that is, when he is not blaming me for his current situation, typical behavior for an abuser. That I was able to make things happen, move around like I did to different cities, shows that when I need to, I can survive and work it. I never needed this man to secure any type of job and, as it turns out, I never backed down, I never stopped working, I never stopped working it para que se le quite.
However, survival is a little different from getting my CONFIDENCE back. In survival-mode, you are just trying to dodge the bullets and get through the day. Now I want to BELIEVE that I can help make things great in my life and on my terms. Therefore, reading through these words are necesssary. I knew that this was what I had to do, and there was soooo much to read through, that it was overwhelming so I kept putting it off. That is, until this morning, when I received yet another text message in which he discussed my physical appearance in filthy, vulgar, sick detail. Something broke through in me and I knew that it was time.
Why now? How do I get my point across? How to make a negative into a positive? There will never be a better time than now. I was not ready to look at this mess before, mucho menos, talk about it with anyone. I had to be sure that I wasn’t putting it out there so that people would have pity on me, those days are gone. Changing HIM or his stupidass behavior is simply not possible. You cannot fix the one who broke you: God, life, karma, and the legal system will deal with him. Putting his words out there allow me to rid them of the power they once had over me. I can show others that, yes, there is life after madness. The way I see it, words are my biggest ally, there are millions and millions of words that I can use to describe myself, my body, my life, my work, my family, my friends, and my goals — I don’t need to live or die by his words any longer. That said, I’m not stupid either, I am always careful and have people help watch my back. Confidence starts with me, and, I sum this post up with these seven words: he is not welcome on this journey.
To be Continued…