Chasing the Blue Amongst The Clouds


#52essays2017  24/52


What a great feeling.  It’s like all of the stars line up, all of your ducks are in a row, all is as it should be. all is perfect, everything is crystal clear, there is a reason for this madness, you understand everything.  For a split-second.  And then it all comes crashing back to you, all of your fears, all of your mistakes, all of your regadas, all of your pendejadas, all up in your face.  You feel defeated, like you’ve taken 10 steps back, you’re angry, sad and mad all at once.

As I was driving home a couple of weeks ago, I experienced this exact same sensation.  I remember that it was a cloudy afternoon and my eye focused on the part of the sky that had broken free from the clouds, where you could see the blue of the sky piercing through the gray clouds.   When I looked into that blue spot, it was as if a part of my heart opened up, the purest part,  the part that was open to new experiences and the part that did not allow me to hold myself back, the part where I was unafraid.  It was as if I was thinking in overdrive:  I started thinking of and seeing Mama, happy and alive, seeing my family members and friends happy and productive, myself fearless and working toward my goals, I could even hear music in that blue sky, and it was like all of these happy feelings were swirling around in the sky, happily blending together.  I was even crying tears of happiness and all felt right in my world.

And then I stopped looking at the blue sky and it all faded away.  Try as I could, I was unable to get that feeling back again.  It was like I got afraid, afraid to see what life would be like in that swirl of happiness.  I totally got into my own way and messed things up big time.   Now I’m trying to figure out how to get back to that place.

As I don’t feel like super-analyzing this experience today…I’ll just let my InnerChingona give her two cents on this moment:   While I’m getting better, I’m not there yet, it’s very hard for me to trust anything new, no matter how positive it is and no matter how much good it will do for me.   I’ve got to keep working on staying the hell out of my own way and just let things be!  I need to handle this mess before moving on the next phase in my life.

That I was able to have a glimpse, albeit a small glimpse, into what my life can be motivates me to keep working at getting this heavy desmadre of baggage out of my way so that the blue sky does not fade away when the clouds of life appear, and you know that clouds will always come back.  I also like that I have finally been able to see the blue through the clouds, even for a few seconds.

It has been a long time.


InnerChingonaApproved Advice: Stay Out of Your Own Way and MAKE Things Happen

download (2)

Effing Frustrada with Myself.   Inner Chingona tells me EVERY day, to stay out of my own way and get to the job at hand, whatever it may be.  I think to myself, “yeah, she’s absolutely right”, but do I do it?  Not often enough.   I have so many ideas running in my head, so many plans, so many things that I’m going to handle “within the next 5 minutes”, so many opportunities to do the things that I want to do … and then today,  I overheard a conversation that SHOULD HAVE BEEN MY CONVERSATION.  I should have taken more ownership in this matter so that I would not sit here now, knowing, and it hurts to admit this, knowing that I could have done more to make it happen for myself, on my own terms.

I wish that someone would have sat me down when I was a young girl and showed me how to channel my energy, to navigate myself and shown me, the absolute importance of STAYING OUT OF YOUR OWN WAY in order to be a success in life.  I know that I would have been living my life at another level because I loved myself enough to stand up for myself, do the work needed, and then step back to let God, Jesus and the Virgen of G make it all happen.

So today, after I had my lil ‘berrinche”,   almost in tears, I got up and came to my favorite place to write the hell out of my journal and to figure out how I could be more proactive in all areas of my life, so that Inner Chingona can stop, for lack of a better word, chingando.


What do I know today?  That I like having a lot of plans, projects, things to do.   What else do I know today?  That I need to organize myself AFTER I get myself into a new state of mind:  Inner Chingona has thrown down with my Inner Chillona many times because of my tendency to think like a victim, to say that no one was really there for me, that no one could understand me, so how could anyone help me?   Inner Chingona has shown me, maaaaany times, that, whenever I stopped crying about it, stopped with the terca attitude,  and have intelligently taken life on, that I really could get what I want!

Today, what I really needed was a road map, so I borrowed these steps  from Jessika at Bohemian Musings blog.  Inner Chingona approved advice.  Waaay past time for me to sit back and practically cry tears at lost opportunities por sonsatontapendeja.  It’s time to live Inner Chingona Style.  Read on and bring your life to another level, maybe I’ll see you up there!


How To Get Out of Your Own Way

1)Face the Facts: YOU are the one stopping your dreams from becoming a reality.
Once you accept and see the patterns and ways of self sabotage, you can devise a plan to overcome it.
2)Believe in Yourself.
This is the most important, without this belief you can and will not be successful. The negative voices in your head will win each time and you will be left discouraged and without any strength to continue.
3)Surround yourself with Positive People who are going places.
Positivity is infectious so let it rub off on you. Like attracts like and if you’ve been hanging around negativity then it’s time to reorganize your circle of friends.
4)Stop Procrastinating.
Some goals simply require disciplined action. Just Do it.
5)Drop the Baggage.
Maybe you’ve failed before. Maybe everyone has always told you, you would never achieve great things.Let it go, along with any other past baggage that isn’t serving you well right here and now. Write it down, get it out all out of your system and then burn it and let it be released from within you. Move on.
Once you have a clear picture of what it is you are going after, you must have laser-like focus to determine the steps that will be needed to turn the dream into a reality.
7)On Paper it’s a Plan, in your Head it’s only a Dream.
Read any article written on people who have made it to where they wanted to be and you will find the majority of the time their one key to success was writing their goals down in the first place. Getting things out of your head and onto paper makes them tangible, no longer something that only exist within your head.
8)You can do anything you want, but maybe you won’t be able to do everything you want.
This is something I’m guilty of doing.  I find it very difficult to focus on only one thing but when I do I’m more productive. It’s easy to get in our own way by trying to do too many things at once which only leads to very little being accomplished. Try focusing on your tasks one a time and moving on to the next only once what your working on is finished.
9)If it’s not working, STOP DOING IT!
When Albert Einstein defined insanity as; “doing the same thing over and over again and expecting  different results” he hit the nail right on the head. If you keep meeting resistance in a particular area of your plan, then it might be time to reassess and try a new way. Don’t be stubborn or think there is only one way. If the direction your headed in is not working, it’s simply the Universe telling you that there’s a better way for you. So find it.
10) If it doesn’t make you happy, don’t do it.
Working hard towards what you want will not be easy, but you should find joy and satisfaction in knowing that you are headed in the direction of you dreams and doing what you want to do. If that’s not true then you must reevaluate your goals and how you are pursuing them.

Now Do It

So start doing whatever it is that you’ve always wanted to do. Whether it’s changing careers, moving to another city or country, taking a round the world trip, mountain climbing, learning a new language, do it. All you need to do is plan an action route and go for it. Of course you will come across some real obstacles on certain paths of your life, so that’s why it’s so important that the rest of the time you stay out of your own way.

 images (1)